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"No Monkey Left Behind" starring Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

par Entropic_Catalyst

131 pts / 16 votes - 12 commentaires


	Superheroes: In this age of permissiveness, the sight of these hordes of technicolored commandos has become so commonplace that it's easy for us to forget the inherent illegality and immorality they represent. Unelected by any representative body of citizens, these criminals operate within the seedy confines of the underground economy, leeching off our society like slimy radioactive slug monsters.


	While ordinary folks like you have to pay taxes, these superhumans apparently consider themselves above that. They simply do as they please while they, and the sidekicks they employ under often questionable circumstances, go undocumented. Igoo here can attest to what it's like being a hero team's ape companion.


	I served the Herculoids faithfully for years, but I never received just compensation. Even those two Jello things were paid better than me. Of course, there's no one to complain to when the whole business is off the books. I had no choice but to flee Quasar and hope I'd find a better opportunity in America.


	But you came here only to learn that America sucks, right?


	No, I wasn't saying that. It just that there still doesn't seem to be any accountability among the superhero community here, and I feel it would be beneficial if--


	America sucks! I just need you to say that for the camera.


	Um... America sucks?


	Thank you. There are, however, those who have been fed countless lies by the media propaganda machine that I'm unequivocally a component of. Our pop culture glorifies superheroes, portraying them as our selfless protectors, our one defense against some ill-defined "evil" that would ravage our world if not for their altruistic intervention.


	I was rescued by a Superfriend once. I got stuck on a skyscraper and Hawkman saved me. Those guys would never harm an ape.


	Magilla Gorilla, as a representative of the very underclass these superpowered elitists are oppressing, aren't you at all offended by the inequitable infrastructure you're forced to endure?


	I find your sensationalistic muckraking rhetoric un-ape-ettizing, mister media celebrity.


	Who bought you off, Magilla? Come on, tell me. How many bananas did it take?


	That's it, these monkeyshines are over!


	Peanut, will you shut that TV off? I have to prepare for the trial, and it's distracting me from my mantra affirmations.


	What's the matter, Harvey? High profile case got you nervous?


	They got Stan Freezoid for the prosecution. His touch could freeze the balls off a brass monkey, but it's his legal prowess that's really scary.


	You honestly think there's a chance they'd put the Superfriends away over a tax issue?


	Their link to this whole monkey sidekick scandal has pretty much got them black-listed. The public wants to lynch them as it is. I hate to play the species card, but it may be our only chance. Were you able to find any ape willing to testify as a character witness on our behalf?


	Oh yeah. If you pay Peanut, you get monkeys.


	This court will now come to order. Mr. Freezoid, your opening statement?


	Does wearing one's undergarments on the outside of one's pants while flying around and damaging public property automatically grant one tax-exempt status? If the answer is no, then the Superfriends are criminals, plain and simple. But the scope of this trial will reach far beyond that. Today we seek justice for the unethical treatment of animal employees who can only now speak out about the shameful secret the Superfriends don't want you to know about. As you listen to eyewitness testimony today, I ask you: Please, think about the monkeys.


	Mr. Birdman, your turn. Your opening thingy.


	How many times has our world, our galaxy even, been saved by superheroes? And how many really cool movies have been made about them, huh? Have they broken the law? Maybe, but so did Rosa Parks, and the world's a better place for it. The important thing to remember is that superheroes, and the lovable little monkeys who willingly assist them, kick lots and lots of ass.


	The prosecution may call it's first witness.


	I would like to call Gorilla Grodd to the stand.


	You were witness to activities which could indicate that the Superfriends profited from simian slave trading, is that correct?


	The Flash would often raid Gorilla City, snatching up scores of my people in the blink of an eye. None of them were ever seen again. I can only speculate as to what kind of atrocities the Superfriends regime subjected them to.


	And yet the defendants never claimed any income from the sale of gorilla slaves. Tax violation!


	Objection! It's well documented that Grodd's gorilla army tried to take over the world on several occasions. The Flash was simply apprehending them and delivering them to zoos. Nothing was filed because no money ever exchanged hands.


	Overruled. Mr. Freakazoid, call your next monkey.


	I would like to call Gleek to the stand.


	Do you remember how you first came to be affiliated with the Superfriends?


	I wasn't the first monkey Zan and Jayna smuggled in from Exxor, I know that much. I couldn't tell you what the Superfriends did with their other "pets," but when was the last time anyone heard from Wonderdog?


	Objection! Wonderdog sucked and no one cares what happened to him.


	Sustained.


	Could you describe your time with the team?


	I was their whipping boy. Any time comic relief was needed to break the tension, you could bet that I'd "coincidentally" get hurt at that very moment. Then they'd all laugh at me. Even Batman.


	How much were you paid for your services?


	Nothing. Sure, I was given enough food to survive, and my cape would be replaced any time I got it caught in the Bat Computer, but that was it. I never got my paws on any of the money.


	So your employers were keeping 100% of the profits, yet they still never filed with the IRS.


	Objection! This clumsy monkey was a volunteer just like the rest of them. No one gets paid to save the world. The other members of the team all have legitimate day jobs. They're reporters, test pilots, pole dancers, lawyers...


	Overruled. "Lawyer" doesn't count as a legitimate day job. Does the prosecution have any further witnesses to call?


	Only one, your honor. I would like to call to the stand... The Batman!


	Tell us, Mr. Batman, how many monkeys are you secretly keeping in that dark cave of yours?


	None. I only keep pantless young boys in the Batcave.


	So you admit to employing minors, yet you don't file W-2 forms for these young employees?


	They're not my employees, they're my young wards.


	You expect us to believe that an entire team of pantless vigilantes follow you around Gotham City, roughhousing in alleys and by the docks just for the fun of it?


	Are you implying that The Batman has to pay?


	I have no further questions for this masked deviant.


	The defense may now cross-examine.


	Mr. Batman, isn't it true that you have a secret identity, and that under your other legal name, you file taxes regularly like any law-abiding citizen?


	Correct.


	Objection. Unless the witness can positively reveal this other identity, this is pure hearsay.


	Sustained. Evidence pertaining to secret identities will only be admissible at such time as those identities are divulged.


	Um... any chance you might take that mask off?


	Never.


	No further questions, your honor.


	Does the defense have a witness to call?


	Yes. I would like to call Superman to the stand. Tell us, Superman, why did you decide to become a superhero?


	So I could fight for truth, justice, and the American way... insofar as those things don't completely contradict each other.


	Is it true that the Kryptonian heritage which gave you your powers also instilled in you a firmly ingrained morality?


	By Rao, I swear that it's true.


	Then surely a man as honorable as yourself could never be involved in the underhanded activities you and your colleges have been accused of, right?


	Certainly not. The Superfriends are dedicated to always doing what's right and helping anyone in need.


	So you're not in it for the money?


	No, the superfriends have never charged for our services. The only reward we need is the warm fuzzy feeling that comes from seeing justice done.


	Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what you see before you is a warm fuzzy man in blue tights. No further questions, your honor.


	Mr. Freezepop, your turn to cross-examine.


	Mr. Superman, how do you reconcile your exceptional morality with the fact that you are willingly committing a criminal act every time you choose to take the law into your own hands as a "superhero?"


	I've had that monkey on my back for a long time now. Believe me, if I could spin around the world until time reversed itself and correct all my mistakes, I would, but I'm only human...ish.


	Would the defense like to call any more witnesses?


	Yes, your honor. I would like to call Chim Chim to the stand. He's a monkey, you know. A monkey who's on our side!


	Could you describe for us the time you were invited to the Hall of Justice?


	I was approached by Batman years ago about a job. He was looking for an emergency mechanic he could stash somewhere in the Batmobile. It was a tempting offer, but I opted to stay in the back of the Mach 5 with Spritle.


	I see. And at any point did Batman become aggressive or try to intimidate you? Did he laugh at any comical injuries you may have inflicted on yourself in his presence?


	Not at all. He's a perfect gentleman, a credit to masked humans everywhere.


	So, Chim Chim, how much of a salary did Batman offer you for this grease monkey job?


	We never actually got around to discussing the finer points like salaries and such.


	Oh, I see. And might that be because... he never had any intention of paying you?


	Objection! That's pure speculation!


	Sustained. Prosecution will refrain from--- Hey! Who's flinging poo in my courtroom?


	Eek eek eek!


	I've had enough of this. Would the foreman read the verdict?


	Yes, your honor. We, the jury, find the defendants...


	GUILTY!


	GASP!


	Super-powered or not, you're still the bitch in this cell.

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	Don't listen to them, Entropic: you are a pure joy to read. Your style is impressive.
	12. 05.06.08 à 00:28 \|Marie_Potter


	very long
	11. 27.07.06 à 12:19 \|josh1


	8. & 9. Wow, how pathetically retarded do you have to be to find jokes about poo-flinging monkeys too smart? That's just sad.
	10. 10.07.06 à 23:00 \|Entropic_Catalyst


	this is the worst ever thing ever all it is is yab yab yab
	9. 10.07.06 à 22:45 \|funky123


	Excruciatingly pedantic.
	8. 10.07.06 à 18:27 \|doctorwho


	Yay!
	7. 08.07.06 à 12:34 \|modedude


	Monkehs.
	6. 08.07.06 à 11:48 \|CheGuevara


	Oh yeah, I love the fact that big words are used. Gives a better sense of intelligence. This really does stand out from many of the comics made on here.
	5. 08.07.06 à 09:43 \|pulse


	this comic could punch a baby in the face and not be noticed. THAT takes skill...trust meh...
	4. 08.07.06 à 09:41 \|pulse


	Holy sub-reference, Batman!
	3. 08.07.06 à 09:10 \|grouchobeer


	Hmm... I can't think of much "smart" words to say... but This is really intresting!
	2. 08.07.06 à 02:47 \|sir_sweet


	The story's not over yet, true believers! With the Superfriends in jail, it's up to Birdman to save the world from the Legion of Doom! No, seriously.
	1. 08.07.06 à 02:16 \|Entropic_Catalyst

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