| | | | | | Friends, Gnomans, and countrymen-- lend me your ears.
I come not to praise heartagram_666, but to bury him.
That's one big motherfuckin' hole.
Speaking of big motherfuckin' holes, flint is on the dais. I'm pretty sure that's a sign of the apocalypse. He should have stayed home and sent his pants instead. Better yet, a suit with two pair of pants. That's twice as funny. What's two times zero?
flint has all kinds of pantsies. He has long pantsies and short pantsies. Next spring, he's getting some early bloomers.
Let's take up a collection to buy flint the Marvel Comic Book Creators PC program. As long as he promises to never darken our towels again.
As I look out over your eager faces, I am reminded of the race for Oscar™. This is No Country For Old Men. headexploady says, "I'm Not There" because he's Gone, Baby, Gone. And tonight There Will Be Blood. But no Atonement.
Allegria questioned my choice of second to last, but that's the best place to be, unless you're in the train fucking Entropic's mom.
How about a big hand for our Roastmistress? Look, Entropic perked up a little bit when I said that. To him, "roast mistress" is what's for dinner. But then, this guy cruises for chicks at Hannah Montana concerts.
I'm kidding, of course. He's too busy smoking dope. I believe yesterday he smoked sir_sweet.
Allegria is our first emcee with tits. Wait, I forgot about MDickson20.
I'm kidding, of course. Allegria has no tits. She's flatter than a six-dollar cornet. She is, however, our first emcee with a vagina. Wait, I forgot about Entropic_Catalys t.
But MDickson20 was the only one to wish me a happy 206th birthday, so fuck the rest of you. He now stands to inherit my entire estate, which consists of an ashtray from Mayberry, NC and a soiled pair of boxers. Plus I owe the government $4300.
How's it goin' there, Gummo? And I call you "Gummo Dickson", because, like Gummo Marx, you are the least talented of all your brothers, and like him, you're in ladies clothes. Now if you only had a job...
But you're wrong about Giuliani. I STARTED masturbating when he dropped out of the race.
A shout out to my man headexploady, who, like Gandhi, Thoreau, and Mandela before him, is in jail. Altho I don't think any of those three were in for penis graffiti. I knew it had to be for something like that, I had already ruled out "thought crimes". headexploady, here's a tip for you-- don't hide your money where they hid it in "Papillon". That's the first place jailbirds look. Altho not necessarily for money.
insertnamehere is here. Who? No, Who's on first. I Don't Know. I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM YOU SAY THIRD BASE! All seriousness aside, after that set, you should get a tattoo on your lips that says, "InsertFootHere" . You're so insignificant, nobody wants to steal the identity that you don't have.
Time for a plagiarized story from Yahoo News. Belgian police have been told to not consort with prostitutes or drink beer on duty. In a related story, Chocotof quit the police academy.
In case you don't know, Belgian beer is yeasty, infected, smelly, fruity, and has a layer of sediment on the bottom. Much like Chocotof himself.
I've been racking my brain to come up with an ethnic slur for Belgians, but nothing comes to mind. I guess I'll settle for "fat".
He's coming to America. Boy, you talk about your wretched refuse...
Look at CheGuevara, sitting all by himself. At the children's table. And when I say "sitting", I mean "standing upright". And when I say "at", I mean "underneath".
We're not keeping you from anything important, are we, like your meeting of the Lollipop Guild?
Che's picture on MySpace turned out too large. At least something of his did.
Someone auctioned off a lock of hair from the real Che Guevara for $120K Che's going to auction off a lock of his pubes. If he ever gets any.
Che is exploited by the pro-lifers. They point to him as living proof that stem cells can think, feel, and write bad comics.
He says he officially has an obsession with Gnomz. Hey, I hate to break it to ya, pal, but you ARE one.
But he's a good-looking kid. Like a living, breathing Ken doll, only much shorter. At least he's no fatty.
Speaking of fatties, there's the man of the hour, heartagram_666. And I call him "the man of the hour" because he's so fat, he has his own time zone.
When he stands next to Che, the two of them look like binary code.
You fat fuck, you should change your name to "candygram".
The last time I saw something look like you get roasted, it had an apple in its mouth.
But this is a big day for heartagram. He left the house. Unfortunately, his shadow saw its shadow, so that means six more weeks of Twinkies™.
He told me he is on a diet, tho. He eats only things that are blue. Blueberries, blue corn, vaderdk421...
For some reason vaderdk421 pines for Allegria. Can you imagine if those two got married someday? Allegria would definitely wear the pants in that house. And vader would wear the bra.
heart says when he dies-- and I've seen the X-rays, two weeks, tops-- he wants to be cremated. Only problem is, his poor family will have to torch the whole house like Johnny Depp in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". (By the way, I think heartagram ate Gilbert Grape.)
And what are they going to do with the ashes-- 666 lbs. worth?
In conclusion, Happy Chinese New Year, heartagram_666, or, as they say in Chinktown, "Gung Ho, Fat Boy".
Shalom, biatches. | | |   | |
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110 pts / 12 votes - 14 commentaires
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